November 29, 2004
FORGET HER NOT™
Listen bitches, I could barely contain my Glad-Lock glee at Dixie’s Holiday Tupperware Party this weekend, belching bowls of laughter with every burp of her lids. An ambrosia blend of back-woods southern charm and Tourettes, Dixie Longate flings catalogue numbers and factoids for her "plastic crap" with Mensa-like ease, all the while peppering her pitch with more life stories than ring-worm in a trailer park. Other than the obligatory (I assume—I’d never really attended a Tupperware party until now) raffle, audience participation was slim, but every strapless, spike-heeled lap around the crowd induced a salad-spinning dizziness--the vortex of which filled by whatever culinary wonder would follow a verbal torrent of "Look! Watch! LOOK!".
Dixie is poised to be the first person to break $200,000 in personal sales this year, so support this queer-positive sieve of commercialized American consumerim and buy stuff, hookers. As for what to purchase, I can only attest that my new E-Series™ Can Opener (The Can-Do Opener!) is “so stylish, you'll want to keep it on your counter!” Now I just have to get some cans.
